So let's take a look at the way your personal statement should be structured? If you spent, time analysing our sample personal statements http://www.getintouni.com/Samples you will see that each paragraph revolves around one particular incident or the subject area of study. Although the personal statement should logically flow from start to finish, none the less, unlike a book with a distinctive story running through it and building up to a climax, a personal statement is episodic in style and content so each paragraph stands out.
When you choose someone to look over your admission essay, you should choose someone who will not be afraid to tell you like it is. In other words, don't just show it to your mom or your significant other. When you show it to someone who isn't afraid to give you criticisms then you are doing yourself a giant favor. Remember, those who review it when you turn it in will be looking not only for the good, but the bad as well. If your statement is not among the good, then it will get weeded out with the rest of the bad.