oMake sure you haven't constantly used the same word in the same paragraph. This can be very irritating to the admissions officer and it only needs a little more thought to re_word or, very often, it can be omitted without affecting the sense. A thesaurus is useful for finding alternative words.
In order for there to be tension in your personal statement, it will help to describe a highly charged incident, part of a particularly difficult period in your life. Whatever it was, you will maintain your reader's interest for that much longer. The example below shows perfect tension and suspense build up _ "When the airmail letter arrived bearing an American stamp, I knew immediately, it was from my university with my degree results, and I tore it open as excitedly as if it were a birthday present. With trembling fingers, I took out the sheets of thin blue paper _ and my heart started to pound as I began to read."