So let's take a look at the way your personal statement should be structured? If you spent, time analysing our sample personal statements http://www.getintouni.com/Samples you will see that each paragraph revolves around one particular incident or the subject area of study. Although the personal statement should logically flow from start to finish, none the less, unlike a book with a distinctive story running through it and building up to a climax, a personal statement is episodic in style and content so each paragraph stands out.
The person you choose to look over your statement should be checking everything. Along with grammar and spelling errors they should check the tone of the paper, the flow of the paper, and the overall style of the paper. So, it makes sense that the person you choose to look over your admission essay should be well tuned in writing. Additionally, they should also be able to let you know if there is anything they feel you should omit or add. Once you have made the changes they recommend, then you should have them re_read your personal statement to ensure quality. If you want to be ultra_safe, then have yet another set of fresh eyeballs look over your revised personal statement.