oMake sure you haven't constantly used the same word in the same paragraph. This can be very irritating to the admissions officer and it only needs a little more thought to re_word or, very often, it can be omitted without affecting the sense. A thesaurus is useful for finding alternative words.
In this personal statement introduction the reader is captured by the reason why they chose to become an investment banker. The author of this piece has demonstrated a powerful introduction, the style is simple, straightforward narrative. This personal statement will surely provide a valuable insight as to why she wishes to become a nurse.