Remember that tension, like all techniques, is merely another tool for making your writing more vivid and interesting to read. However, if you do use it, you must make it clear to your readers that the events you are describing have some relation to your study topic. If not, they will be confused, will have to re_read to make sense of it and may end up feeling irritated enough to stop reading.
When you choose someone to look over your admission essay, you should choose someone who will not be afraid to tell you like it is. In other words, don't just show it to your mom or your significant other. When you show it to someone who isn't afraid to give you criticisms then you are doing yourself a giant favor. Remember, those who review it when you turn it in will be looking not only for the good, but the bad as well. If your statement is not among the good, then it will get weeded out with the rest of the bad.