Often, the first draft is not the essay you originally envisioned. You might even discover that your ideas about your theme have changed as you have been writing. If you do not like the way certain sections are stated, re_arrange them. Once you are pleased with the body, make sure the conclusion and introduction still match it and complement the way you see your topic at this point. If not, rewrite them to fit the essay you did write and the way you see your topic now.
In this personal statement introduction the reader is captured by the reason why they chose to become an investment banker. The author of this piece has demonstrated a powerful introduction, the style is simple, straightforward narrative. This personal statement will surely provide a valuable insight as to why she wishes to become a nurse.